After writing my first piece, which the Princess laughed at hysterically, she pointed out that I hadn’t offered any advice on how to actually handle the question of "what do you do". I actually thought that I had, but again she is perfect and I am, well…. not. Yes perfect ladies, we imperfect guys know we aren't perfect. We know you know it. And we know you know we know. But don't expect us, or at least me, to ever admit it again.
So I am hoping that some of the readers out there, if there are any, will help me on how they have handled it.
I have always just been very upfront about it. In other words, I don’t bring it up unless someone asks. Am I embarrassed to be a stay at home Dad? Yes and no. The other day Carson asked me when I was going to get a job. I guess the four year old needs more toys. After I explained to him that I was trying he didn’t bring it up again until a week later. Then he said, “Daddy, I don’t want you to get a job. I want you to stay home and wait for me to come home from day care. I like you at home.” Since that day, he has held steadfast on his decision.
Unfortunately, the Princess has too. Thus, I am still looking for a job. I guess that surfing the net and occasionally doing laundry and cooking isn’t enough. Who knew?
I was really happy that Carson loves having me home. My Dad was hardly ever home when I was young. Or even a teenager for that matter. I have fond Sunday memories of going bowling, shooting hoops and watching football with him, but in general, he was always working Monday thru Saturday. Not surprisingly, my Dad admits I am a much better dad with Carson than he was with my brother and me, but Dad still worries that what I am doing isn’t going to be enough. He remembers all too well how my mother finally had had enough being at home and returned to get her PHD in Psychology. I think the man works tradition also bothers him, but he hasn’t ever admitted it to me.
The Princess has been a tremendous support in my role and she has been a huge help in Carson’s development. But I was the one who saw him walk for the first time. I was the one who potty trained him (although it took me four years). I have been there for most of his major first time experiences, both positive and negative. So am I proud? You bet! Is it still awkward, you bet.
I suppose the best advice I can give new SAHDs is to be open and honest about it, and don’t hedge like I have. We are raising our kids while our wives work. If someone asks why, tell them that you wanted to shape your kids lives more than your dad shaped yours, or for whatever reason is the truth.
The truth for us is the Princess makes a heck of a lot more money than I ever did. My best year economically would be a disaster for her. So economically it made sense to me, although, perhaps not to the Princess, and certainly not to my father-in-law or Dad…..yeah, they have told me, but that’s another story.
Sacked SAHD
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I suspect there are several reasons stay-at-home dads are greeted with silence when they tell others what they do.
ReplyDeleteFirst, many, perhaps most, are prejudiced. Many are products of the decades when the traditional, middle class family consisted of a working father and stay-at-home mother. The mother raised the children and cared for them when they were ill, cooked, shopped, and networked with other women.
Times changed. Many, perhaps most, women work outside the home and that is considered the norm today. No matter how much they say they support "Mr. Moms," most have a belief that men should not stay home. Of course, if you talked to single parents or dual-career parents, they would love to have one who could be home when the children become ill or need to go to the doctor. They would love to have time to go to the plays and parties at school or help teachers on field trips.
Down deep, I think most Americans think men should work.
A second reason that I think you and other SADs are greeted with silence is that most people cannot relate to your experiences. They simply do not know what to say. You could say something like, "I'm Mr. Mom. I've been raising my son, shopping, cooking, etc. while my wife was working all hours of the day and night."
If they still say nothing, ask them a question to get them to open up.
When I get that question, it is probably no surprise that I too get met with silence. I usually end up breaking the silence with what I did before staying at home or chime in about the fact that I am also taking online classes while Jupiter (my son) takes his naps. It feels like those additional unrequested responses are cop outs though.
ReplyDeleteWhen the question conversation is with a woman, the reaction is sometimes more positive. The reasons are financial for us primarily. My wife holds a doctorate and I a measly associates degree. But I too had a father who was not at home much. I guess deep down, I just want to be a very important figure in shaping my sons development.
I agree with what Nancy said about a lot of people are hung up on what is traditional. I think that will gradually change over time, but unfortunately, it's going to take a long time.